Top 10 things to NEVER do on a first date

By: Sahan De Fonseka

       There are few guarantees in life, but one thing is certain: the sun will rise in the east, death will strike us all, and you will, at some point, find yourself in the middle of a raging argument with your date without even realizing it.

We've all been in that situation. Everything is under control while you're on a date. Then you say or do something – an action or a passing remark, something seemingly innocuous, or so you believe – and it irritates her. The air changes the moment it leaves your lips, and there is no going back. Here are a few fundamental guidelines to follow to stay out of trouble.

1. NEVER borrow your friend’s car

This is the story of my first-first date. Just as we’d ordered a couple of milkshakes, I got a call from my friend saying he’s left his USB drive in the car, and he needs it as soon as possible. And although I promised her I’d be back soon, when I got back, I’d realized she’d gone, and there lay a single text on my phone saying, “we all have priorities”.

2. NEVER order fancy food

Remember that Mr. Bean episode where he ordered an obnoxious-looking plate? Now hold that thought, on a lunch date once I ordered a channa tikka masala with some chickpeas(kadala) on the side. Once the waiter served our food I realized that channa means chickpeas(kadala) so basically, I had ordered chickpeas(kadala) curry with chickpeas(kadala) on the side. I looked just as confused as the Mr. Bean in the above picture. 

3. NEVER dazzle the depth of your wallet

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “money buys happiness” but applying that logic on your first date might not be the smartest play. Paying Rs.20000 on a first date puts you in a situation where you are asking to be validated by the money you possess and so she will never look to you as someone charming and loving. Now you can’t buy her a burger from McDonald’s on your next date because she’ll be underwhelmed. Frankly, unless your father is the prime minister and your uncle is the president, you are utterly screwed!

4. NEVER pick her up too early

5. NEVER get late to drop her off

Now the above two points are correlated which is why I’m addressing both. Usually, parents aren’t open to boys taking out their daughters on a date and for good reason, most boys aren’t taught discipline and get misguided by social media on how to treat girls. Punctuality is something that could never be taught, but it is the one thing most of us expect in a partner.

Being on time goes a long way, it tells your date that she is a priority in your life. Just like that 90s hip-hop lyric “Baby I’m not always there when you call, but I’m always on time”.

6. NEVER during a big match

If ever think that a stadium full of 800 screaming-half intoxicated teenagers can be a good place to go out, with your date for the first time, then you’d have an easier time teaching a blind man to be a barber. It wasn’t the sound of the “papare” that was deafening, rather the sound of her voice rattling on how she wasn’t entirely impressed by my selection of friends on their inability to stand straight. But it would be the perfect place to break up, but that’s a whole different blog!

7. NEVER answer “do I look fat in this”

     

Wikipedia defines a rhetorical question as “ a question asked to create a dramatic effect to make a point rather than get an answer” but I think it should be changed to “those questions your girlfriend asks you”. Truth be told this rule shouldn’t be limited to just your first date but should be a part of your lifestyle. An answer as “yes but it’s because your body shape doesn’t match the dress” then you’ll be rewarded with a 10min lecture about how wrong you are and how you don’t understand her “fashion sense”.

8. NEVER take a selfie

This rule is never one that would be disastrous on the outcome of your date but rather on the portrayal of yourself in her eyes. A selfie on the first date implies that this moment means a lot to you, and you’d want to treasure it with a photograph, this would imply that you don’t go on dates very often which could mean you’re inexperienced with relationships. So the smarter thing to do would be to take a picture of the food or restaurant, remembering to tag her in the photo.

9. NEVER talk about your ex

Anything you say that contains the term "ex" will be used against you in court, as it should be. It's natural to make comparisons between your girlfriends, but keep it to yourself. There are internal and external thoughts. This falls squarely within the first category.

10. NEVER eat cheese kottu

My biggest failure as a bachelor was to take her out for a cheese kottu. Now on the surface, this may not sound like a bad idea considering how pivotal a role kottu plays in a Srilankans’ life, whilst being light on the wallet. It is however the morning after you pay the real price. I am someone who has had their fair share of cheese kottu but have never had an upset stomach no matter how dodgy the restaurant is, so when I got the “motion” the next day I knew I was never seeing her again.

On a first date, there are some things men should never do - situational land mines that appear innocuous on the surface but are anything but. The good thing is that you now know what some of them are for the most part. Many men have gone through the same ordeal as you. It would only be proper for you to offer your advice.

Image courtesy:

• https://makeagif.com/i/mUmGMg
  
• https://www.timeslanka.com/2013/03/08/134th-battle-of-the-blues-s-thomas-192-v-royal- 2605-day-2/
  
• https://9gag.com/gag/aZmKm4n